Been together for a long time?Yep,so long you’ve given up trying to change your other half.Well,that’s not good for marital bliss.
Whatever we can do as the years roll by,we shouldn’t ever give up on our partners.Even after all this time,your husband will still be easy to change – no,not for a new one!
Okay,there are some things that five years into your marriage you think:”Well.those things will never change now.”And fifteen years in,you’re thinking:”My fault – I shouldn’t have accepted that in the first place.”Think again because that’s notso.A great marriage needs regular reinvention to keep it freshcand keeping on sorting out these kinds of issues does exactly that.Regular influencing is a great way to a healthy marriage.
The thing you’ve got to get out of your mind is that because it has been like this for a long time (and that’s a relative term,of course:t doesn’t really matter whether we are talking five,ten or fifteen years,or even longer),it’s therefore fixed;it’s stuck and you’re doomed to put with it.’Long time’ does not equal ‘can’t change’.Individuals change all the time.It’s certain you’ve changed a lot over the past ten years,so why can’t two people agree to make combined changes after all this time?They can.
Firstly,give a bit of thought to the change we really want: what do we really need to influence?Is it actually that he reads the newspaper ar the breakfast table or that you never seem to talk any more?Is it actually thatshe’s always out at various committee meetings or that it seems impossible to go out to a film or the theatre like you used to?So trace back the symptoms to the cause.Remember that many areas that require influencing revolve around money or sex (or both) but they are usually the symptom not the cause.
Here’s the big idea:keep talking.Once you have identified the real issue (e.g. not planning for retirement) and not been distracted by symptoms (e.g. money arguments),then you need to talk it through and agree a plan.That can only happen if you have time to talk.Whatever happens:keep talking.Never ever lose ‘the thing’ hat keeps you talking .And don’t just talk about the shopping or kids school reports:talk about you – fundamental stuff – in a non-rushed environment.We can’ t tell you how or when but we are betting you are intelligent enough to do that.So make it happen.
It;s all about maintaining the emotional bank account.We all have one,just like our financial bank account.We have them with each other.The question is,are we making loads of deposits into the account (by being polite,being responsive,being helpful,being loyal) or are we making undue numbers of withdrawals (by being judgemental,rude,talking behind their backs)?
If we are making plenty of deposits,the relationship can take the occasional with withdrawals.But if it’s been all withdrawals,the occasional deposit has little impact.Makes sense,doesn’t it?